Real and Determined

I am several weeks into a new determination.

I am going to lose 26 lbs by April.

There was a point in my life that I didn't think I would ever have any difficulty with my weight or body image. If I noticed a couple extra pounds on the scale during the winter, I knew that I would have them worked off easily by mid-summer, with a tan on the side.

Then I hit college and all bets were off. I hit the Freshmen Ten (which I was grateful hadn't been the Freshman Fifteen in my case).

My sophomore year, I was prepping for black belt testing and a 5k with a friend, and I dare say that was the most in-shape I have ever been. I looked back at my freshman year as a near miss, calling it - not so affectionately - my "chubby year."

Well, my black belt and the 5k were under my belt (pardon the expression), and I found myself adrift. Without specific goals in mind, it was easy to miss the addition of a pound here and a pound there. I knew I needed to keep working out, but that starting falling down the priority list as other events came charging into my life.

I worked a year, then went back to school to finish my bachelor of arts and entered the craziest time in my life.

I was in a new place, undergoing the stress of getting to know new people (but I'll save the travails of a transfer student for another post perhaps), studying like never before, and holding down three jobs. A best friend lost her father. Another best friend got married.

But the next year was crazier. Thankfully, I was down to two jobs for a full senior year. I tackled my senior project and a field experience. I got engaged. Then there was graduation. Four weeks of working at summer camp. Going back to work. Planning a wedding. Moving home. Getting married.

All of which lands me right here. I finally had a chance to let my self-awareness catch up with myself, and I found that I am the heaviest I have ever been.

Now, at this point, any readers who know me personally are probably manifesting one of two reactions:

1. Some will roll their eyes and wonder why a little person like me is making such a fuss.
    Thankfully, I carry it well, I guess. I was shocked myself when I realized how out of hand this has gotten. In fact, it wasn't even a year ago that my then father-in-law-to-be told me to go eat five pounds of potatoes! I am small in stature and shoe size, but it is time to stop thickening. I am in general in good health, but my endurance and overall physical ability have suffered a lot in the past few years, and I speak from experience when I say that they both could be much, much better.

2. Some will say, "What is she talking about?!? She doesn't have 26 lbs to lose!"
    Don't worry; I'm not about to develop an eating disorder. (Besides, if I was going to, it would have happened a long time ago already.) Frankly, I believe I am currently in the healthiest frame of mind I have ever been in regard to all this. It took me a long time to get here. I used to spiral into bouts of despair and self-loathing (and I don't use those terms lightly) every time a family member would make a comment or a favorite skirt would no longer zip. I was immobilized by a deep hatred of what my body had become and I felt trapped into my life habits.
    But God gently revealed to me that I was despising His own creation when I looked in the mirror with scorn. He gave me a husband who refuses to see me as anything but exquisitely created. And He has given me a new grit, a new hope, a new perspective.

So why am I bringing all this up now?

Personally, I have had my fill of uber-skinny, ultra-ripped people saying, "I used to be chubby. Now look at me! You can look like this, too." It may be true, but it always leaves me wondering about all the people who tried to look like them and didn't get to make a DVD but instead ended up heavier than they began. (That's my critical-thinking, scientific-method frame of mind coming out! My psych profs would be so proud!)

So, let's be real. You've read my goal. I might make it. I might not.

If I don't, you'll probably be reading a post in three months about handling unmet goals and resetting for a new goal.

If I succeed, well, I don't know. I guess I'll still need another goal. After all, maintenance is the hardest part. But what I don't want is another message of "I could do it; why can't you?". I guess this is an invitation to walk beside me in this. Encouraging words are appreciated, especially if you honestly do notice a difference. But more than that, I hope you're encouraged, because we can all stop kidding ourselves and each other about being perfect. We've got a ways to go: physically, yes, but also spiritually, personally, professionally, academically, and a host of other ways. I am working on doing myself a favor and letting down the pretense. (It's awfully hard to look perfect and to work on improving myself at the same time.) I guess what I'm trying to encourage anyone reading this to do is to pay someone the ultimate compliment of being a real person with them. If they're a friend worth having, they'll recognize the sacrifice on your part and be so thankful to be let in to the person you actually are. And you might just have freed them enough to pay back the compliment.

One final thing: I know what I said about new year resolutions, and how I don't like them, and I know that this new goal of mine is suspiciously close to a recent changing of the year, but really, I'm no fool. Who wants to start watching calories over Thanksgiving and Christmas???

A Blogger's Reflections

My Muse must be on a long vacation.

I knew this point would come. Maybe that's why I initially resisted the idea of blogging. Because, at some point in time, I knew, I would come to the realization that I probably don't have anything worth saying that hasn't already been said.

Someone very wise once wrote, "I rarely have an original thought." (I wish I could remember who thought of that, but I can't. How ironic!)

Think of it: in this world today, there are, quite literally, thousands upon thousands of people clamoring to be heard. They blog, vlog, tweet, facebook, and youtube their opinions on any subject you could imagine.

Then there are the good writers who actually say something through their chosen media venue, and some of these get published in journals, magazines, books, webzines, and on and on.

I don't claim to write only original thoughts. I don't even think I write mostly original thoughts. Most of my thoughts are the result of hours of reading, listening, and conversation. If I'm lucky, I might have an unique slant on them.

But do I want to be another voice in the din that already encompasses our planet? I might have a couple good things to say, but are they worth adding to the noise?

Because, if I'm only making more noise, it isn't worthwhile.

Marriage

Girls, (well, ok, guys too!) if you have any say in the matter, marry your best friend.

I highly recommend it.