I know I haven't blogged in ages and I have been wanting to before the summer really picks up speed again. I would like to write something perky, but that hasn't been what has been going on lately, so it's hard for me to write with any heart when my mind is elsewhere. So, I've been putting it off (which isn't hard, considering everything I could be doing rather than sitting here typing). But, I guess it's time; I know I probably won't get another chance to blog for a while.
We've been walking through some tough things lately.
It's one thing to be hurt by someone who doesn't profess faith or hold to anything I hold dear, but it's a whole different sort of sucker punch when the offender is among the ranks of my Christian family.
It's one thing when it's just a single incident and I can forgive them and let it blow past, but it's a different sort of betrayal when it is ongoing, without remorse, and repetitive.
It's one thing to gather the courage to approach someone and experience reconciliation, but it's draining to have to decide again if I'm going to tackle a new offense again when I know that they won't listen, won't admit fault, and won't change again.
And it's one thing to be upset with someone far away whom I never see, but it's a different sort of beast when I see them frequently, for extended periods of time, and am under their authority.
One transgression on top of another as they proclaim Christ and his ways, and preach humility and submission to authority, and I know what's going on behind the scenes. And I watch them hurt others. And I see God's work compromised. And I can't do anything.
What is the Christ-like thing to do?
He prayed for forgiveness for His enemies from the cross.
But what does forgiveness look like in a case of unacknowledged sin? Is it acceptance? But then they are surprised when I say that something is amiss. I cannot pretend that everything is fine; it's not. But I am so tired of pushing back. I don't want to be the trouble-maker! I want things to go well; I want to be friends; I don't want to fight. I have turned the other cheek - over and over and over.
Besides, Jesus also turned the moneychangers out of the temple.
A head-on confrontation? Been there, done that. It meets with finger pointing, reversing the blame, claiming authority, and a willingness to only address the most superficial of issues. And afterwards, nothing changes.
I have wondered if maybe I was at fault.
If there were something that I could mend to make things better, I would. If I could apologize in order to fix the situation, I would. (I have.) But I can't believe with any sort of intellectual integrity that this is my fault. I've examined myself; my motives aren't always pure and I have at times responded out of anger, but this isn't to be laid at my feet.
And I watch it continue, and I see others being hurt by the same situation, and I ask God to intervene in a God-sized way.
Because I can't.
Because I have bled, labored, and wept.
But it isn't enough.
And it won't be until God shows up.
Meanwhile, I read Psalms 61, 62, and 63 and am reminded that He is the rock that is higher than I, that He will be my help, that I shall not be shaken, and that I will sing for joy in the shadow of His wings.
