I think that humans live their lives trying to answer a question.
I do not know if we all ask the same question as everyone else. I don't know if an individual keeps the same question his whole life. I think many are unaware that they live life asking their question, yet even without their knowledge it commands their decisions, decides their habits, jades their perspective, and even manipulates their emotions.
In 2011, I participated in a Christian book study with friends. During the soul-searching it involved, I stumbled across my question. Actually, I believe God pointed it out to me.
"Am I enough?"
What a treacherous question to have, unknowingly, as a driving force!
While it percolated unidentified through my life, I unwittingly asked those around me to answer it. Was I enough of a daughter to be acknowledged by my father and approved of by my mother? Was I enough of a friend for those I loved? Was I enough of a Christian as I played piano for offertory and volunteered in the church library and participated in church programs? Was I enough of a student while I maintained a 4.0 GPA? Was I enough of a human being as I worked two jobs, kept a daily devotional/prayer time, exercised, got my black belt, played hostess, served my friend as a bridesmaid?
And the answer kept coming back: No. No. No. No.
Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. You're not enough.
Is it any wonder that seeing others get by with less angered me? Is it any surprise that every time I was snubbed or reprimanded without my achievements also being appreciated, my temper took a dive? I was asking everyone around me, "Am I enough?", yet they didn't know I was asking - I didn't even know I was asking - and they were never meant to provide my answer.
It wasn't until I asked God my question - and then listened for an answer - that I finally started to get out from under its domination.
He gave me my answer:
No, I was not enough. I was hopeless, stuck, and unimpressive.
But Jesus.
Jesus brings hope. Jesus enables change and growth. Jesus makes all things new.
Jesus is enough!
When I am in Him, that means I don't have to be enough anymore. Because He is.
What a difference it makes to finally have my question answered: No, I am not enough, but I no longer need to be. Someone else has been enough, and He is enough for me, too.
Life has a whole lot more peace when a question is answered.
Yet, here I am, five years after I got my answer, and I forget that I still ask my question.
I fight with my husband on the days it catches me unaware as I silently ask him to answer it for me.
My baby girl cries in my arms, her eyes begging me to make her tummy stop hurting, and my heart breaks with the weight of my question again.
And I realize that this is my question probably for the rest of my years, in whatever circumstance life finds me. And I thank God I know my answer.
