A New Year

Why is December 31 the last day of the year?

I figured that there was some sort of celestial occurrence which made the ancients deem it right and proper to divide the old year of today from the new year of tomorrow. Well, according to my brief research on Wikipedia, there isn't. We celebrate a new year on January 1 because that is when the Gregorian calendar chose to have us celebrate it.

Which leads into my next question: why is this a big deal?

I understand that it's an opportunity for new beginnings, a chance to leave last year's troubles and foibles behind, blah blah blah. But we all know that our resolutions aren't likely to last past March, and that the new year may have just as many troubles as the last one (and maybe more).

It is good for one thing though. No matter how randomly it may have been plopped into our calendar, the turning of the year inspires a reflective spirit, one that often gets trampled in the usual hustle of life.

For example, the calendar says that another year of my life has passed; have I grown spiritually as well as chronologically? Am I another year more mature, or have I squandered every opportunity for growth this past year? Did I do anything this year that will matter in the next year or the one after that or the one after that? Am I looking more like Christ than I did at this time last year? And more importantly, what am I currently doing that will create greater maturity and growth in me by this time next year?

May the coming year hold great things for you, pleasures as well as opportunities for growth. May you fully enjoy the sweet times and rise to meet the challenging ones. May you find yourself another year wiser as well as another year older.

Not a Good Christian Girl Anymore

When I first considered starting a blog (in the spring of 2012), that's what I thought I would name it. Not as a jab at my Christian heritage or a rebellion against the Christian faith but as a chronicle of my struggle to leave behind acting like a Christian and start being like Christ.

"Many of us don't want to be led by the Holy Spirit. . . . Many of us don't want to be led by anyone other than ourselves." "If you say you want the Holy Spirit, you must first honestly ask yourself if you want to do His will" (from Forgotten God, by Francis Chan, pp. 50, 51).

I ask God for His wisdom. I beg for it. I need it now and in the life to which He is calling me.

I ask Him to move in me, that His Holy Spirit would fill me and take hold of me.

Then I turn around and do it all myself.

After all, I know what the church expects. I know what modern, American Christianity expects. If I let Him do it, He might do it wrong! It might look weird when He gets finished with it, and that would be embarrassing.

I slap God's hands away from my life and my affairs, say, "I'll handle this," and bustle off with a nod of my head.

Then it falls apart and I run back, dump it in His lap, and ask Him through my groans and tears to make it all work.

But, oh, when will I learn? If I would leave it with Him from the first, it wouldn't be broken . . . and if it looked broken in His hands (and I left it there still), I could trust Him to make it all right.

Oh! the peace of mind I sell for my "right" to have things my way!

But why do I want the Holy Spirit? Am I asking like Simon the Magician, trying to buy Him for myself (p. 84)?

Is this an effort to be "Christian cool," one of those people to whom others look up? Is it some sort of Christian club membership to me? I've always wanted to be part of that elusive inner circle, whatever the context. Is that all this desire has been?

I know that at least part of the desire comes with my life calling. I'm totally unequipped. I feel like I'm play-acting and it's only a matter of time before I'm discovered, like the Holy Spirit is my only chance at "legitimacy."

But, if God has called, isn't that legitimate enough?
When do I stop seeking my nod of approval from the world - even the "Christian" world?
When will God be enough?

Maybe when I'm done following rules and am ready to pursue a whole different way of life.
Maybe when I'm done looking good and am ready to be made good.
Maybe when I'm done focusing on myself and am ready to follow Him.

Maybe when I'm done being a good Christian girl.