Settling for My Dream

Four years ago, I was a junior in college, signing up to take the GRE, starting to think about grad schools for my master's, enjoying life. Looked forward four years from then, I saw myself finishing my master's this spring, looking for jobs, ready to go out and pay off student debt, find a place of my own - maybe Boston or San Diego, travel (eventually) to Italy and Greece.

I didn't always want to be a career woman.

Once upon a time, my sole goal in life (other than being a missionary to China like Gladys Aylward or a horse rancher) was to be a wife and mother. The problem with my dream was that high school ended, and no requisite husband showed up.
I took a year off of school to become a licensed piano teacher.
Still no applicant for husband.
Then I took two years of college while dating a young man.
That didn't work, so I got a job for a year.
Still no man.
So I went off to school again. "Plan A didn't pan out," I thought, so I moved on to Plan B.

Then, life blew up (quite literally) three and a half years ago, catapulting me back to Plan A.

Now, here I am, preparing for my hugely anticipated promotion to the position of mother.

From the outside, it might look as if I've settled.

Instead of looking for promising career opportunities, I am looking for new recipes for supper.
Instead of driving to classes or a job every day, I walk a few blocks to a part-time job that doesn't pay much above minimum wage and busily page through books of prenatal and postnatal information in my down time.
Instead of writing research papers and reading peer-reviewed journal articles, I am writing grocery lists and researching the best way to contain dirty diapers until they can be washed.

Yeah, that might look like settling.

But to me, it's living my dream!

Real and Determined Reviz

I said I was going to lose twenty-six lbs by April.

Well, April is almost over, so I figure I owe you all an update.

I didn't lose twenty-six lbs by April.

I switched goals midway - since we don't own a scale it was hard to keep track of my progress - I decided to lose four inches around my waist.

I didn't lose four inches around my waist.

It was weird. The first few pounds came off easily. Then they stopped. I oscillate between one and almost-two inches lost.

The good news is that the weight gain at least stopped.

The bad news is that I can't seem to kick this plateau.

And I was sort of stressing a little bit about it, until I heard a speaker this weekend. She was talking about her tussle with an eating disorder and the search for control in her life, and she read Matthew 6:25: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"

Lightbulb!

Stop being so anxious, I seemed to hear the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart. I gave you food. I meant for it to be yummy. I meant for you to enjoy eating.

Wait, if food is supposed to be enjoyable, then maybe it isn't the enemy I thought it was. If I am supposed to relish a good meal or an afternoon treat, maybe I should just do so and stop feeling guilty.

Life is more than food.

My dear husband has a gentle way of reminding me of this. When I reach for seconds or pull out a snack or a dessert, he just asks me, "Are you hungry?" It gives me a moment to pause and actually think about my hand-to-mouth motions. If I am hungry, I eat more. If I'm not, I stop.

You see, this isn't just a battle to control what I eat for a while, just so I can get back to eating whatever I want later. This is a lifestyle of eating and moving and living and praising God for all He is and does and says. This is a giving over of myself to God, not to a diet plan or an exercise regime.

It is so much easier to swing to an extreme of super-healthy eating or of convenient junk foods. But the fact is, God made carrots and He made sugar. (And He made all those plants that are naturally poisonous. And He gave us the sense to know the difference.)

So I enjoy my carrots fully, and I eat my sugar without guilt (most of the time!).

Real and Determined

I am several weeks into a new determination.

I am going to lose 26 lbs by April.

There was a point in my life that I didn't think I would ever have any difficulty with my weight or body image. If I noticed a couple extra pounds on the scale during the winter, I knew that I would have them worked off easily by mid-summer, with a tan on the side.

Then I hit college and all bets were off. I hit the Freshmen Ten (which I was grateful hadn't been the Freshman Fifteen in my case).

My sophomore year, I was prepping for black belt testing and a 5k with a friend, and I dare say that was the most in-shape I have ever been. I looked back at my freshman year as a near miss, calling it - not so affectionately - my "chubby year."

Well, my black belt and the 5k were under my belt (pardon the expression), and I found myself adrift. Without specific goals in mind, it was easy to miss the addition of a pound here and a pound there. I knew I needed to keep working out, but that starting falling down the priority list as other events came charging into my life.

I worked a year, then went back to school to finish my bachelor of arts and entered the craziest time in my life.

I was in a new place, undergoing the stress of getting to know new people (but I'll save the travails of a transfer student for another post perhaps), studying like never before, and holding down three jobs. A best friend lost her father. Another best friend got married.

But the next year was crazier. Thankfully, I was down to two jobs for a full senior year. I tackled my senior project and a field experience. I got engaged. Then there was graduation. Four weeks of working at summer camp. Going back to work. Planning a wedding. Moving home. Getting married.

All of which lands me right here. I finally had a chance to let my self-awareness catch up with myself, and I found that I am the heaviest I have ever been.

Now, at this point, any readers who know me personally are probably manifesting one of two reactions:

1. Some will roll their eyes and wonder why a little person like me is making such a fuss.
    Thankfully, I carry it well, I guess. I was shocked myself when I realized how out of hand this has gotten. In fact, it wasn't even a year ago that my then father-in-law-to-be told me to go eat five pounds of potatoes! I am small in stature and shoe size, but it is time to stop thickening. I am in general in good health, but my endurance and overall physical ability have suffered a lot in the past few years, and I speak from experience when I say that they both could be much, much better.

2. Some will say, "What is she talking about?!? She doesn't have 26 lbs to lose!"
    Don't worry; I'm not about to develop an eating disorder. (Besides, if I was going to, it would have happened a long time ago already.) Frankly, I believe I am currently in the healthiest frame of mind I have ever been in regard to all this. It took me a long time to get here. I used to spiral into bouts of despair and self-loathing (and I don't use those terms lightly) every time a family member would make a comment or a favorite skirt would no longer zip. I was immobilized by a deep hatred of what my body had become and I felt trapped into my life habits.
    But God gently revealed to me that I was despising His own creation when I looked in the mirror with scorn. He gave me a husband who refuses to see me as anything but exquisitely created. And He has given me a new grit, a new hope, a new perspective.

So why am I bringing all this up now?

Personally, I have had my fill of uber-skinny, ultra-ripped people saying, "I used to be chubby. Now look at me! You can look like this, too." It may be true, but it always leaves me wondering about all the people who tried to look like them and didn't get to make a DVD but instead ended up heavier than they began. (That's my critical-thinking, scientific-method frame of mind coming out! My psych profs would be so proud!)

So, let's be real. You've read my goal. I might make it. I might not.

If I don't, you'll probably be reading a post in three months about handling unmet goals and resetting for a new goal.

If I succeed, well, I don't know. I guess I'll still need another goal. After all, maintenance is the hardest part. But what I don't want is another message of "I could do it; why can't you?". I guess this is an invitation to walk beside me in this. Encouraging words are appreciated, especially if you honestly do notice a difference. But more than that, I hope you're encouraged, because we can all stop kidding ourselves and each other about being perfect. We've got a ways to go: physically, yes, but also spiritually, personally, professionally, academically, and a host of other ways. I am working on doing myself a favor and letting down the pretense. (It's awfully hard to look perfect and to work on improving myself at the same time.) I guess what I'm trying to encourage anyone reading this to do is to pay someone the ultimate compliment of being a real person with them. If they're a friend worth having, they'll recognize the sacrifice on your part and be so thankful to be let in to the person you actually are. And you might just have freed them enough to pay back the compliment.

One final thing: I know what I said about new year resolutions, and how I don't like them, and I know that this new goal of mine is suspiciously close to a recent changing of the year, but really, I'm no fool. Who wants to start watching calories over Thanksgiving and Christmas???